I Love You, but do you love me?
by MissRed666
Summary: Grissom wont step up, so Sara takes things into her own hands.
1. Chapter 1

The door slammed shut as Sara ran into the locker room. He had done it again. He had promised her the world and then told her to live without it. Only one person in the world could make Sara feel this angry and upset, Gilbert Grissom. How she loved that man nobody knew. But she did. She loved him so much that she had practically built her life around him. Sometimes she thought that he loved her too but he shattered her dream every chance that he got, with or without realising it. This was one of those horrible times. She had offered herself to him and he had very brusquely refused and cut off her advances. She had opened herself up to him and he had blatantly refused to play. Her life was hard enough without her heart being constantly crushed on a regular basis. Not this time thou she thought to herself.

"You know what screw the bastard. He doesn't deserve me." She didn't hear Catharine come into the locker room.

"What bastard?" she asked. Sara nearly jumped out of her skin in surprise. She so desperately didn't want to answer her question but Cath was a skilled interrogator even if it wasn't her field of expertise. Men were most definitely in her field of expertise thou so Sara figured a second opinion couldn't hurt too much.

"Oh shit, Cath I didn't hear you come in. I was just venting."

"Sara I'm not an idiot. And I have almost perfect hearing so spill." She smiled at Sara.

"Just this guy I used to like." Once she started it was almost impossible to stop, "he tells me I'm beautiful and then pushes me away, calls me honey and doesn't talk to me, says he needs me but tells me to get a life. It's like I'm not good enough for him but he doesn't want to be lonely so he keeps me on his hook. What the hell is wrong with me?" Tears were forming behind her eyes but she wouldn't let them fall, not at work, not where Grissom might see. Catherine knew who she was talking about; she knew there was only one person in the world that could make this made and hate herself this much. Catherine didn't want Sara to know that she knew so she let her vent.

"Sara girl, listen to me." Sara nodded, "tonight or the next time you see this 'guy' you tell him how you feel. You tell him that he doesn't have the right to keep you on the hook. You tell him that you love him but if he doesn't feel the same way to let you go. Tell him to let you go because what he is doing is cruel and unfair on you. And from what I heard you say he doesn't deserve you. He sounds like an arrogant prick that needs to get a life instead of destroying yours." Sara was astonished at what she was saying and went back to defending him.

"He is not a bad guy Cath; actually he is the most amazing person you could ever meet. He is sweet and kind..."

"And a bastard." Catherine cut her off, "Sara he is destroying you. You look like you haven't slept or eaten in days, and don't tell me it's the job. Your mood is all over the place one minute you're happy as a clam and the next you are yelling at your boss, slamming doors and swearing in the locker room. Your work is slipping and you need to get over him."

Sara knew she was right but she loved him too much to just give up on her love all together and move on. She knew that everything Catherine had said was all too true but she had to try at least one more time. He resolve to not cry was shattering and a tear escaped her eyes

"Cath, I think I love him. I can't just give up all together. Not if there is a chance that he might love me." Another tear ran down her cheek. Catherine, who was standing by her locker at this point walked over to Sara. She sat on the bench next to Sara and put her arm around her. Sara leaned into Catherine and cried silently into her shoulder. Small sobs racked Sara's body and Catherine made soothing noises to try and get her to calm down. Looking down on Sara Catherine only saw a little girl. A lost little girl, crying for the attention of anyone. Sara sat up and whipped the tears from her eyes. Catherine reached down her top and pulled out tissues. Sara laughed.

"What else do you keep down there?"

"You mean besides the kitchen sink." Sara laughed again, "Just tissues and..." she reached down her top again, "condoms." Sara snorted and laughed so hard her lungs hurt. Catherine smiled and laughed at Sara's attempt to calm herself down.

"Ok Sara if you love him as much as you think you do give him one last chance. Just one and see what he does. But before you do anything else tonight you might want to apologise to Gris, you yelled at him pretty bad." The two women stood and hugged each other. Catherine watched Sara leave the room. Sara retraced her steps back to Grissom's office. She would apologise and then tell him everything. It was nice to have an excuse for going to see him that didn't have the whole lab thinking that she would do anything for the man. Walking the halls of CSI Sara realised that their argument must have been heard by the whole lab as most lab rats looked up from their work as she walked past. She was nearing his office and could see him at his desk reading something off the computer. She walked up to the door and knocked. He looked up and for a moment his shinning blue eyes met her. In that moment she forgot the purpose of the visit. She forgot everything Catherine had told her.

"Sidle what do you want?" Grissom asked coolly. Sara closed her mouth and swallowed. Her mouth was very dry. He used her last name. It could only mean one thing; he was mad.

"Grissom I have to talk to you." He just nodded and added

"Well you wouldn't be here unless you wanted to talk." His comment was ruthless and she felt her heart drop.

"Privately." He stood and closed the door behind her.

"Private enough?" he asked as he returned to his seat.

"Gilbert, you cannot keep doing this to me it isn't fair on me or you."

"What am I doing Sara?" 'Ok he is back to using my first name. That's good', thought Sara.

"Don't play dumb with me Gilbert. I'm not an idiot you know."

"Sara would you just tell me what this is about and then I can get back to work." His callousness hurt her and she could feel the anger rising in her chest. Tears welled behind her eyes at the thought that his job was more important than her or anyone else. He was always going to put everything ahead of her, and she knew it. She couldn't change him and he would never let her off his hook. So she had to let herself off it.

"I can't play this game anymore Gilbert. I quit. You will have my resignation in the morning when I come to clean out my locker." She spun on her heels and walked out of the office. She left the door hanging and as soon as she was out of his eye range she broke into a run and headed for the car lot. Tears started running down her face as she waited for the elevator. Grissom was still in his chair processing the unthinkable. He had lost her. Completely lost her, well not completely. He figured that if he could catch her in time he might be able to change her mind. He raced out of his chair and ran down the halls of CSI. Sara heard him call out her name. She looked at the screen that told you the floor the elevator was on- B2 and she ran to the stairs. Grissom saw her race down the stairs and followed calling her name.

"Sara! Sara come back and just talk to me." He yelled down the stairs. She stopped running and looked up at him. He ran down the last two flights of stairs and stood in front of her baring her exit. Tears ran down her face.

"Oh Sara, don't cry honey." He said compassionately as his hand went to wipe away her tears. She swatted his hand away angrily

"This is what I mean. You act like you love me and then you ignore me, and you know what I'm totally over this."

"Sara I didn't know that you felt that way."

"Oh that is complete and utter bull shit. Don't you dare stand there and say to my face that you didn't know that I loved you." He went silent, she went silent. She knew that she should feel exposed after her confession but she didn't. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. He started to say something but she cut him off.

"Listen to me. Just listen to me for a minute. I love you. I have loved you from the moment we met in San Francisco. I uprooted my life in San Francisco to answer your call all the way here in Vegas. For the last five years all I have done is think about you. You flirted with me and then acted like it never happened. You told me that I was beauty and then acted like you never said it. I can feel you staring at me across the room while we eat with the others and at crime scenes. You think that it is inappropriate for us to be together and you are scared shitless that if you open yourself up to me I might not like you for you. I can't handle it anymore. You love me, and I love you. But you can't open yourself to me so I am making it easy for you. I am leaving Grissom and there is nothing you can do or say to make me stay." She pushed past him and ran out into the car park.

Grissom was bewildered. She could read him better than anyone else in his life. And he had broken her. She had left him behind standing in the stair well looking at the place where she stood just moments before. He heard her car drive out of the parking lot. He forced himself to walk back up the stairs. He reached down to his waist and paged everyone to meet him in the break room. When he reached the door to the lab he paused for a minute to collect his thoughts and decide on what to tell the team. Most of the lab would have seen him chase Sara through the halls and wouldn't be surprised if they heard some of their argument. So basically he was rationalising. The one thing that Sara told him that really hurt, he was to rational. He should have taken her into his arms instead of letting her run out to the parking lot and leave, but he rationalised that it would be better for them both if she left. They could never have worked. He was her supervisor and she is subordinate. He pushed the door open and walked to the break room. Half the lab stared as he went by but he ignored their glances. He reached the break room and his team were sitting around a table. Catherine was sitting furthest away with her face set in a frown, nick was sitting next to her talking to Greg, who was sitting on the opposite side of Catherine and Warrick was sitting in the chair closest to the door not saying anything. All eyes went up when Grissom walked into the room.

"Sara quit." He heard a chorus of shocked silence throughout the room.

"What the hell did you say to her?" yelled Catherine as she stood up from her chair.

"Yeah boss man." Greg said echoing Catherine's disgust.

"Grissom why did she quit? Did she give you a reason? Is that why you were running after her?" asked Nick.

"I can't lie to you guys. Sara left because of me."

"I repeat my question, what the hell did you say to her?" Catherine asked, fuming.

"Catherine..." he started but he cut her off.

"I sat with her crying in the damn locker room. I gave her the courage to tell you how she felt and you did what? What did you do?"

"Catherine..."

"This is getting slightly repetitive Gil."

"I don't know what to tell you." He said to their disgusted faces.

"Just tell us what went down man." Warrick piped up.

"ok." Grissom replied. Grissom told them everything from the yelling match in his office to Sara's flight. He told them what she said. He told them that she told him the she loved him and that he couldn't open himself to her. He told them about her tears and the way she yelled at him and left.

"Grissom." Said Catherine softly, "How did you not know that she was in love with you."

"I knew that she liked me, but she went out with that Hank guy and I thought she was over me."

"She never got over you man. And she was right you know you do love her." Everyone looked at nick as he said this. "What? You all know it. He watches her work and talk and walk and everything else she does."

"Yeah Nicky I know but..." started Catherine

"No he is right I treated her wrong. I knew she loved me and now she is gone." Tears threatened to overflow his eyelids. "she is gone and she is never coming back."


	2. Chapter 2

Sara was stuck in traffic. Tears ran down her face as the cars around her moved slowly on wards. A bird flew alongside the car. Free. How she wished she could free. Free from the material world that they lived in. Free from responsibility. Life was too short for people to do bad things. Life is too short. She saw the traffic lights, ahead change from orange to red as the sun slowly rose from the east. It took a little over half an hour to get back to her modest apartment. She unlocked the door, dumped her keys in a dish and walked straight to her beckoning bedroom. She lay on her stomach with her head turned to the side. Her arms were at awkward, but comfortable, angles and she fell asleep almost immediately. Sometimes when her day was particularly bad her mind would take her through a nice dream. Tonight was no exception. She dreamt about a park, she was sitting on a picnic rug watching the sun set. Looking out over the park she saw beautiful cherry blossom trees displaying their amazing pink and white shades against the stark brown branches. Sprawled under the trees and the picnic rug was a field of the most beautifully soft and luscious green grass. She stretched her legs out and her feet slid off the rug and onto the carpet of green grass. The grass felt cool and soft on her shoeless feet. The air smelt musty, like after rain, with a tinge of orange and cinnamon. She breathed in deeply and closed her eyes. She felt a soft warm breeze float past her, slightly billowing her dress. She felt a warm hand settle on hers. She opened her eyes and looked down. Her hand was covered by another's. It was a strong hand, warm but strong. She could tell by looking at it that it had seen hardship and violence. She traced her eyes up from the hand and along the arm attached, muscular. Her eyes followed the arm and neck and found the face. He stared at her with his cerulean blue eyes. She realised that he wasn't staring at her but more into her. His eyes had such an intensity about them it was impossible not to love them. She tried to pull her eyes away from his, but knew it was an impossibility. She realised that she loved his eyes, she loved him. She managed to pull her eyes away and they settled on a basket. He reached into the basket and pulled out a bottle of expensive looking champagne and two champagne glasses. He removed his hand from hers and poured the champagne into the glasses. He held one to his lips and passes the other to her. She took the glass into her hand; it was cool to the touch. She lifted it to her lips and sipped. She heard a bird start to cry out. She wanted to yell at it for destroying her peace but she couldn't. The dream was slowly slipping away. She woke to the alarm clock sounding time for work.

"Wholly shit, how long was I asleep?" She turned off the alarm, it red 7.30 pm. She had gone to bed at about 6.00. she looked at the clock again and remembered yesterday. She flipped herself onto her back and looked up at her ceiling. She rose like a dream walker and went to shower. After she had finished her shower she changed into her court clothes; white blouse, black pants. She drove to work and watched all the people driving home to their families, their wives and children, their girlfriends and their parents. How she envied those people. They were sunshiny happy people, who didn't have to deal with death on a daily basis. She was a dark and twisty person, but in the car she vowed that after she handed in her formal resignation she was never going to let herself be one of those dark and twisty people, who had no life. She told herself that the only way to be happy was to be like the sunshiny people; and to do that she had to get the husband, do the house wife job and not see death every day.

She turned into the parking lot at CSI and got out of the car. She walked through the glass doors into the blue lab. The lab looked bluer at night than it did during the day, but this was but a myth. Sara thought that the lab looked the same no matter the time- blue and sterile. She would be sorry to leave this place behind; it had been her home for almost five years. All of her friends, now family, worked in the lab; and she knew that she would miss them dearly, especially Nick and Cath. She didn't meet the eyes of any of the lab rats staring at her as she walked to the locker room. She could tell what they were thinking though. She knew that they all thought that she was pathetic for falling for Grissom so hard that she had to leave her life to get away from the pain burning in her chest. Her handbag hung off her shoulder and she reached in and took out her letter of resignation. She walked to Grissom's office only to find that he wasn't there. She walked into the open office and placed the letter on his desk. She took a deep breath and looked around at the room. It reminded her of almost every happy and every sad memory she had of her life here. She remembered her disastrous dinner invitation and the time he called her beautiful; she remembered working side by side with the man that she loved for almost seven years. Tears threatened to spill but her pride was strong. People often said that she had a lot of pride and that it went well with her bleeding heart. She rushed out of the room before too many memories swallowed her pride, the pride that kept the tears that were welling from running down her face.

It was time to face her daemons and confront her beloved family. She couldn't face her family yet. She couldn't tell them the real reason for her abrupt departure either, though she was fairly sure they knew. She couldn't look her family in the eyes and tell them that she was leaving them because of a man, a stupid arrogant man. So instead of walking down the hall to the break room she walked to the locker room.

I will clean out my locker first and then I will go see them, she told herself in her head, or maybe I won't say anything and I will just leave they can live without me. Grissom can tell them that I quit. Yeah that is a much better idea than telling them the truth. She waged a silent war in her head of weather to tell her friends that she was quitting or not to tell them. Her mind was so muddled by the end the only thing she was thinking was: To be or not to be, that is the question. The quote from hamlet made her think of Shakespeare, and this undoubtedly led her to Romeo and Juliet. She likened Grissom and her relationship to that of Romeo and Juliet. She loves him, he loves her, but neither is able to express their true feelings because of status. Grissom couldn't be with Sara because she was his subordinate; Romeo couldn't be with Juliet because she was a Capulet. This was the end of the likeness. Romeo died to be with Juliet and Juliet died to be with Romeo Sara was leaving Grissom and he was doing nothing about it. Their relationship was more alike then she had ever imagined, not that she thought about Romeo and Juliet that often. Grissom was Sara's Romeo. Every since they had met she had thought about nobody else, except for Hank; and now Grissom was hurting her more than Hank did when he cheated on her. She walked into the locker room, with her mind still waging its silent but deadly war. She didn't notice until she was at her locker that her family were in the room with her.

"Sara!" they cried out. She ignored their words, but she couldn't ignore Catherine's arms as they hugged her. Sara and Catherine hated each other when Sara had moved to Vegas but now they were best friends. Sara felt Cath's chin on her shoulder and a large hand fall on her other shoulder, she looked up and saw nick standing next to her.

"Sar, you don't have to go. Please don't go." He pleaded. In a nicer time she would have told him that she wasn't going to leave.

"N-Nicky, I have to go. You know that." She stuttered as she turned around to face her family.

Now or never, she thought to herself, never is not an option.

"Sara, you can't leave me here I'll be the only girl!" protested Catherine, faking a smile. Sara laughed a little at her face, Cath could get anything out of a man but as to other women... you fill the blanks.

"Hey just think less competition."

"Oh Sara you were never competition." Both women laughed and hugged each other. Catherine had tears running down her beautiful face. Greg sat on a bench as far away from them as possible. He looked like he really didn't want to be there.

"Gregy, you know that if I could stay I would. But I just can't the pain is just too much."

"Well Sara my pain is just too much. I wish that Gris would just get off his arse and do something about this." His arms waved between Sara and her now empty locker.

"Greg, Gris had his chance. Many chances; and he did nothing. And there is nothing that he could say, or do right now that would make me want to stay."

"Is that right." Came a voice from behind


	3. Chapter 3

Sara didn't turn around. She couldn't. If she had turned around and saw Grissom standing in the door behind her, her resolve to leave would have melted into a puddle almost at once.

"Grissom what are you doing here? I left my resignation on your desk so there would be no reason for me to see you again." She spoke with a hostility that she didn't know she possessed. Catherine, who had had sat down when Grissom walked in, stood and walked away from Sara.

"Grissom, can a speak with you in private." Catherine whispered as she brushed past him on her exit out of the room.

"No, The time for talking is over. Sara has made up her mind, but not about this. She didn't make up her mind about leaving she made up her mind about me." His voice had a hint of desperation to it as Sara continued to pack up her things. "Sara please, don't do this." His voice went soft and Sara's heart almost melted. This was the voice that she had wanted to hear for the past seven years and now finally hearing it was too much for her pride. One solitary tear ran a track down her face. She didn't want her family to see her cry like this.

"Guys could you leave for a minute. I will say good bye later." It was an extraordinary feat that her voice sounded calm but cool. The team left grudgingly, patting her on the shoulder and shooting Grissom cool glares as they walked by.

Slowly Sara straightened herself determined not to give in so easily to his blue eyes when she would finally have to face them. She swallowed hard when she looked at his face. His eyes had bags the size of Everest under them and he was carrying his body in a way that Sara knew all too well. He had obviously slept on the couch. In better times Sara would have brought him a coffee after a night spent on the oh so hard couch that adorned the right wall in his office. But not today, today she was going to leave him behind, today was the day her life was going to start again.

"Grissom, you are not hearing me. I am leaving today and I am never coming back. I am going to move on and I am never going to be yours again." Her words were like a stab to his heart. Deep down he knew what he had to do but his courage couldn't muster it. He had to tell her that after his fight with himself last night he had decided that he loved her with all of his heart and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He wanted her and nothing less. But he just couldn't do it. He couldn't say those three words; just three words would make everything better. Three words to make her stay, three words for her to forgive him. Just three stupid little words. He had been thinking about them for the last 18 hours and now looking at her he couldn't get them out of his throat. After their first fight yesterday was when the words started to appear in his mind. He had yelled at her for forging his signature to authorise an expensive test. She had yelled at him back say that the only reason he was yelling at her was because she had asked him to dinner and told him to face up to his feelings. They had both said some truly horrible things to each other and now was the time he would regret every word.

"No Sara I am listening to you, you are not listening to me." This surprised her. She wasn't expecting him to argue with her. She was expecting him to leave the elephant in the room alone, not prod it to see if it would charge. "Sara, everything I said yesterday, I'm sorry. If I could I go back and make sure it didn't happen. I would do that for every time I had my foot in my mouth. Because Sara, ever since I met you you were the only girl on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't contain my excitement when I knew you were coming to Vegas at my request. I wanted to scream for joy, but I wasn't sure until about four years ago if you had the same feelings for me. I was an idiot for spurning your advances and I am apologising. You can accept my apology or not." With his last word Sara dropped the box she was carrying. It hit the floor with a large crash and her possessions spilled onto the floor but neither person in the room noticed. She had locked onto his eyes and his never deviated from hers. In two large strides she ran across the room to where he was standing. At first he wasn't sure if she was going to hit him or kiss him. But as she drew nearer her calm expression faltered leaving her face unprotected from his searching blue eyes. He knew her better then she knew herself it was a fact, so he knew what was about to happen before she even knew herself. She reached him, cupped his face with her hands and pressed her lips against his. It was only a brush but it lingered. His arms snaked around her waist and her arms draped over his shoulders. He pulled her in and kissed her passionately not letting go of her waist. It was a once in a life time experience. It was no longer a kiss it was something more. An acknowledgement of two lives; finally merging together in one breathless encounter. Neither wanted the experience to end but as all good things must it did. Both pulled away with deep breaths. She smiled at him, the smile that was reserved for only a select few.

"By the way I'm a woman not a girl." She laughed at his bemused glance before he realised what she meant.

"I will try to keep that in mind next time I tell you that you are the only one I will ever think about." He smiled back.

"You could tell me now if you wanted." Her head moving to lock onto his eyes once more.

"Sara Sidle, you are my one and only. I haven't looked at any other woman but you for the last seven years and I love you." What happened next was so unexpected Grissom nearly dropped Sara, he had lent over and she was lying in his arms. A round of applause and cat calls filled the air for what they didn't know was that when Sara had dropped her box it had made such a loud crash that the team and half the lab rats had practically run to the locker room to see what happened. They had seen the kiss and Grissom's speech. Grissom stood, raising Sara slowly back upright. Sara turned around and her eyes immediately caught her family clapping by the door. Warrick had his arms around Catherine who was crying with joy, Nick and Greg were the sources of the cat calls.

"Don't you all have work to be doing?" Grissom called out into the crowd, his voice wasn't harsh more embarrassed. Sara recognised the tone.

"What are you embarrassed by me?" she whispered laughingly. He prodded her in the stomach and replied,

"Not at all my dear, I just didn't want the whole lab to see me all over you they might get jealous." She laughed loudly.

"We had better face them before we face Ecklie." Sara said pointing to her family still standing by the door. Grissom took her hand as they made their way out of the locker room, the act in itself made Sara's heart rocket and stomach flip. For all she cared Ecklie was future Sara and future Gil's problem now all she cared about was the fact that they had a future, a future filled with happiness and love lots of love.


End file.
